Best of Times, Worst of Times

It has been quite the time of it recently.  I look back on my posts of the last few months and wonder how it is that so much has happened in such a short period of time.  I feel as if the experiences of several years have been condensed in the span of 6 months: new job, plans to move to China, Doug gets a great opportunity at work, change of plans to stay in DC, realization that some day we really do want a family, purchase a house, sell a condo, talk to my mother for the first time in 13 years, painful personal happenings, and now in China for 5 out of 6 weeks barely home in time for Christmas in my new home.  And to top it off, October was probably the hardest month of my life emotionally…recovery is a slow process.

Sometimes I wonder why things always come in waves, when this wave will end, and whether I can keep swimming until I reach the shore.  Then I wonder whether I have made the right decisions, wonder if I should have chosen a different path by this time in my life, and whether I am too set in my ways to find a new one at this point.  I have a dream to do something better with my life than this: something more meaningful, less painful, and something that I can have a true passion for.  Especially in the last month, after some serious personal re-examination, I have realized that I need something more, and my priorities have changed.  But my challenge has always been that I find it hard to visualize what I can do to change things and how I can accomplish that change.  I now know it needs to happen, but I can’t see my way to making it occur.  The only times in my life that I have really been able to change my go-with-the-tide tendency is when I do something truly drastic: pick up and leave Minnesota for DC, pick up and leave my old job in DC and move to China for 3 months.  Both ended up being very good things (for very different reasons), but both were a clean break and only after years of heming and hawing.

In all, I have it extraordinarily good.  My husband is amazing, and has been even more so in the last 2 months when things have been very difficult for many reasons.  My new home is gorgeous and feels as if it will be a true home in the pure meaning of the word – the first I have ever really had in my life.  But I have a job that, while secure and well paying, is taking too much from my life and not giving enough back.  Something has to give, and I know the work load will not…so I have to find a way to find something new that will make me happy and allow me to appreciate the joys of my life.

I think this missive has been remarkably disjointed and blathering.  I guess that’s what comes from my current disjointed thought processes.  Someday I know I will look back on all of this and wonder why I inserted so much drama into the decisions I need to make and the life choices that need to be dealt with.  But for now, I must appreciate the wonderful times I have had, and get through the hard times with as much dignity as I can muster.

The Complicating Factors of Life

Growing up, I always knew there were things I could not change, even as a very young child.  Even so, I was so stubborn that I just would not let my disappointments go.  I would fight hard to change even things I knew were not possible to change, and convince myself that if I just tried harder or did more I could make my family whole.  I knew it would never happen, but I wanted the relationship with my mother more than anything when I was a young child.  As an adult I finally came to terms with the missing part of my life, and moved on with my life with the bitterness behind me.

Healing is a strange thing for the human heart and human mind – though we can heal and accept, I do not think we ever completely get over old wounds.  This is especially the case when the old pain returns with new vengeance and we have to face the reality yet again.  This happened to me last year, as I found myself once again forced to deal with the loss and rejection and potential greater loss that I had not even considered.  But the healing that had come from finding happiness and comfort and love on my own helped me to survive even the opening of old pain, and even provided me with the ability to find good in it.  For in no other situation do I think there would have been the possibility that my brother and sister would reach out to me and I would once again know them.

But these days, I find myself wondering how to accept and face new challenges.  You see, for the first time in 20 years, my mother has sought me out.  I suppose in the end of ones life you make contact with those in your past that you loved but for whatever reason you did not find common ground with.  So here I am, finding myself in the midst of current or possible transitions in every part of my life (home, lifestyle, family), and then in an echo from the past, an email.  Now, several emails later…the phone number.

When I think about having a family, when I see friends with the support of their mothers and grandmothers, I know I will never have that – the knowledge and experience of the generation before to help me through if I end up with children.  It is ironic that now, when I for the first time in a long time could really benefit from having a relationship with my mother, even if I do…I don’t.  How does one prepare oneself for such a opening of old wounds and the inevitable creation of entirely new ones?

I know in the end I have the support of wonderful people in my husband and my friends, making this doable.  But forgive my ramblings as I come to terms with the reality that life is never simple, and as I learn again as an adult that which I learned as a child: there are some things that we cannot change, no matter how we push or wish them to be different than they are.  I know I will find the strength to come to terms with these realities…I just don’t think it will be today.

Times Change…Yet Stay The Same

Priorities change, life throws you lemons, all we can do as part of the human race is deal with what comes.  Just as I had reached the point in my life when I had “figured it out” – you know…the big questions in life such as family, house, long-term planning – life threw me a lemon.

As those who know me (knew me) will already realize, I have not had much of an opportunity in recent months to have any sort of friendship or interaction with the outside world.  I have been trapped in an unsustainable situation at work, as it demands 99% of my waking hours – waking hours that have expanded to new quantities as the sleeping hours decline.  I have been traveling a lot (which I don’t mind), but the quantity of work exceeds what is tenable.  Although there is a plan to hire more people, I have less and less faith that this will 1) materialize; or 2) make things better.

I knew there would be longer hours and more work in this job than I have ever had before, and I came in expecting it, along with the rewards that come with working with people I respect, work I find (mostly) challenging and interesting, and balancing the scales of karma against some of the work I used to do.  I did not expect to have a job that took over my life to the extent that it has, calling into question my ability to cope.  I suppose if I was still 22 years old, just out of college, working to make my way in the world, all this would seem less dire.  But I’m more than a decade older than that, and my interests run towards my home, my husband, cooking, and having a family.

My boss has a phrase he uses when any of us at work are at the ends of our rope, exhausted, worn out, and fed up: “this is fun.  really.  we’re trade junkies.  this is what we do.”  He is right – it WOULD be fun, I am a trade junky, and it is what I do, but the reasonableness has flown out the window, making all this no longer fun.  I give him credit, he acknowledges that what they have asked of me over the last 4 months has been unreasonable and is not sustainable, and he has in recent days made an effort to reassure me that this will not continue.  But yet, really, is this world I find myself in capable of reasonableness and reality and change?

So I find myself at a crossroads (again).  Can I cope, is it going to get better or worse, if I stay what does it mean for my life and my health and my marriage and my plans for life.  In the end, I suppose I was naive to think I really had it all figured out.  None of us really do, as times may change, yet the challenges stay the same.

I Pause

Breathe.  I must remember to breathe.

It is Sunday morning at 8:15AM, and I am sitting in my new house, in my sunroom, listening to the birds and watching the light hit the giant trees across the street against the cool blue autumn sky.  Coffee is brewing, and my New York Times has arrived.

For the first time in weeks (or is it months?), I am pausing.

This year has been a whirlwind of activity and stress.  But for the moment I have been able to let it go and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.  Waking up next to my husband, flowers in the morning sun, the assurance that I am going to make a home here in this house.  It all feels right and good.

I know not-so-much-later today the world will come crashing in, work and personal stress will intrude.  But for now….

I pause.

Clouds

It has been quite the eventful and crazy month.

Today was supposed to be my first day waking up in my new home, and instead I am sitting here in my old condo, which is virtually empty, drinking coffee out of one of only two coffee mugs remaining here and not at the movers’ undisclosed storage location.  I ache due to sleeping on an Aerobed, I’m exhausted due to too many hours and too much work at the office, and am just generally having a crappy time of it.

When I took my new job, I knew it would be difficult and would occasionally involve lots of hours.  What I did not bank on was this reality.  I have not had a single vacation day since I began at the firm on April 15th.  I have worked at least one day of all but one weekend in the same time period.  Summer came and went and I spent it in the office.  The husband has been putting up with a lot, and I’m at the end of my rope in so many ways.  I know I shouldn’t complain, as so many right now are out of work, struggling to pay the bills, losing their homes, and facing an uncertain and terrifying future.  I am so fortunate in so many ways.  But at the same time, I am exhausted and see no end in sight – at least not until January.  I know professionals do what I have been doing every day for years, but I have never been a work for work’s sake type of individual.  The constant fire-drill of my job has an expiration date for me.  I look around me at the office at my coworker and my boss, and wonder why and how they have done this for so many years.  It is no way to live…never seeing your friends or family, working all hours of the day and night, walking through life in a daze.  I know I will find a way through it, to live with my choices and find a balance, but as of now I find myself at a loss.

Oh, and did I mention the house?  Yes, in the midst of all this, we are buying a house.  We found a beautiful home, in a gorgeous neighborhood, the home we can live in for the rest of our lives.  This was supposed to be a happy weekend, as we begin unpacking our boxes in our new sunny house, head out to buy a barbeque grill, relax on our new porch.  Instead the closing that was supposed to occur on Thursday didn’t happen, and best estimate is that we may close on Wednesday.  It is hard to take I have to say.  We all know that things do not always go as planned, but when something so momentous breaks down it is particularly hard.  My head tells me it will happen eventually, just get through this and it will all be worth it as you will, at the end of it all, have the home you’ve always wanted.  But my heart is trapped in disbelief at the suddenness of the turnaround.  (what? you say…it’s just a few days…ah yes, but next weekend I have to go on a work trip to China…thus the down-in-the-dumps-Anya-situation)

All in all this month (in particular this week) has, unfortunately, reinforced my pessimistic side that I have been trying so hard to beat back.  I am sure I will look back when we finally move into our new home and sell our condo and wag my finger at silly Anya.  But for today, I mirror the cloudy damp weather outside the windows of my empty condo and dream of my sunny new home and the time to enjoy it.

Life is Crazy.

Shakespeare said it best when he said “all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.”  We try and try to control our life and make it what we want it to be, but in the end we merely play out what happens to us.  The most valuable lesson I learned in the last year was to let go the illusion that I had control.

Four months ago, I assumed I would at this point be making final plans for a move to live in China.  I was excited, thrilled, terrified (all at the same time).  Then life happened.  Now, I am planning on staying long-term in a place that I have been working very hard to leave for the last 3 years.  But somehow, I am content.  Yes, work is completely insane and I desperately need a break from the sprint.  But for the first time in my life I am not worrying or wondering how I could pull it back from the normalcy of it all.

Instead of making plans to go to China, we just put a contract down on a house in a beautiful neighborhood.  I have never lived in a house.  I grew up in an apartment, went to college and lived in dorms, then have lived in apartments ever since.  I’ve never had my own personal outdoor space (other than a cement balcony), and never lived where there was not someone above or below me.  I always wondered which side of my personality would win out – the Anya that wants to travel the world and have adventures; or the Anya that wants to have comfort and stability and fun and family.  I guess now I know.  It’s not that I am not going to still go out and have adventures, it’s just that they will not be quite as extensive or adventurous.  I always wanted Adventure Anya to win, but that is not the part I will play in this show of life.

I wonder what my role in the next Act will be?

Working Through Life

Living in a place like Washington, DC, it is very easy to get caught up in the whole barelling-along-working-working-sleeping-working thing.  So much of DC is about where you work, which often becomes short-hand for what you do.  I have always taken that badly, largely because I do not feel like I am defined by where I work.  Where I work is not what I do or who I am.  But these days, as I spend more and more hours in the office (despite what my time sheet shows – it’s amazing how only really tracking billable hours changes how many hours it LOOKs like you are working), I realize why people here tend to ask where you work.  So many people in DC spend so many hours in the office, that it really starts becoming what you do – because there is not much time for anything else.  I have realized that I need to find a way to have a balance, lest I become what I abhor.

As Doug and I start thinking about where we are taking our lives next, and coming to the realization that we are truly ready for whatever it holds, finding that balance between life and work is going to eventually become even more important.  Working for a lawfirm, they always talk about “work life balance,” but really what they mean is working, and then finding time to sneak in a little life in-between.  And for those of you who know me well, you will know that I am somewhat of a Type-A when it comes to work.  I tend to let work bowl me over, and (frighteningly) thrive on it…up to a point.  I enjoy working hard and succeeding at what I am doing, especially when I work with people who work just as hard and recognize the hard work you do.

But, as I think about what I want my life to be in 2 or 3 or 5 years, I know that working constantly does not fit in my overall plan.  I want a house…a real one, with no one above or below me, some sort of private outdoor space, a garden that is all my own, and a kitchen that I design and build to be my dream kitchen.  I want a family, a dog, some hobbies.  For the first time, I feel like these things are achievable in the (relatively) near future.  But the hard part is making them happen.  Finding that balance, the time, and just making it all happen.

First step: get off this blog and work on a little home-improvement project so that when we find that dream house we can sell our apartment!

Spring…to summer…to…

Time flies sometimes.  It seems only yesterday that I was riding my bike in Tucson, unsure whether I’d ever have a job again, and certainly convinced that I would not be working long hours with my own office a mere 6 months later.  And last week I was just graduating from Carleton with no idea who I was and what I wanted (ok…so it was more like 10+ years).  I think I know what I want now, and the trick in life I guess is, once you have found that certainty, accomplishment.

In response to my last post, Ann mentioned being Uke.  Back in college, and for a couple of years after, I practiced Aikido.  The biggest compliment I ever received was when I was in Ann Arbor Michigan at a clinic with Kushida Sensei and he walked by and said “very good Uke.”  I guess the best idea of Uke I could come up with was that Uke was when you work to understand what the other is doing and feeling and support without ego or self-aggrandizement.  If nothing else, it teaches us to follow what comes and make of it a dance.    It is a valuable lesson to learn, and a remarkable way to live ones life.  If only I could give up my own ego and desires in the pursuit of that dance.  But I guess that would make me enlightened wouldn’t it?

So instead I am trying to find a middle ground between what I want, and what life and the world decide I should do and learn and be.  We want a family, to put down roots and make up for our childhoods – our friends are our examples of what can be and what we wish for ourselves.  But we know that the world may yet throw us a curve-ball, whether it be a posting overseas for my job, or one of countless other kinks in the chain.  And I am inherently risk-averse as a person, unwilling or unable to make the leap without some sort of assurance that there is deep water below me and not a rocky shore.

So how to find the courage?  How to find the path?  How to insert my own steps into the dance set by something beyond my control?  Someday soon perhaps I will find the answer, but until then, Uke…

Changes…or not?

Some days, you just wonder what you have been doing with yourself, where you are going, why you are where you are in life.  I have been thinking about that a lot recently, as I come out of a truly awful year, into what is becoming a pretty incredible year.  I am already on my second job of the year, but in one that is challenging and with some excellent and driven people who care about what they do.  Yet, at the same time, I am not sure where I am headed. I am in the midst of two conflicting ideas, both of which are fascinating and new.  One revolves around career, and the other around family.  How does one choose between the two?  Then again, it is not really in my control.

Last year I learned a valuable lesson on how to let go of what I was plowing towards without ever thinking about what I really wanted, and to realize that I have to let go of the control I have always tried to exert over my life.  Little did I know how important that lesson would be.  When I was hired at my new job, I was offered the opportunity to possibly move to China to help our office in Beijing to grow and develop.  It is what I have always wanted, and an amazing career opportunity for me.  Yet there is a part of me that wants to stay here, start a family, and just enjoy my life for what it is.  In the end, I do not really have control of this destiny, as I was hired based on a premise.  And part of me doesn’t want to have control, as the adventure of it all would be truly incredible.  But Doug also has a remarkable career opportunity here in DC now, and uncertain prospects in China, leading me to have a difficult conversation with my new boss this week.  So now the ball is in their court – either we go or do not, I pursue my career or a family, we settle in DC or run off to the unknown.

Sometimes the uncertainty of it all is a little difficult to take, but I have made the decision to let life take its course, and come what may, I have a wonderful husband, a good career, amazing friends, and a life worth celebrating.

Spring has Sprung

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on these pages. I guess I just got out of the habit, and really didn’t feel like I had much to say. But with the new green leaves (and all that wonderful pollen) and the increasing sunlight as the days get longer, I felt an urge to say something.

It has been a good year so far. It is brilliant to be able to say that, as last year was a very difficult one for me.

I have started a new job at Winston & Strawn, a lawfirm here in DC as a Trade Analyst, and although the hours will be long (as expected), I am feeling like my work matters and that I am being productive. As an added perk, my first work trip to China is coming in about a week and a half. As was the case when I was at the Department of Commerce, it is on the trips that you really begin to understand the cases you are looking at, and are able to connect with people from far away. It will be a learning experience for me, and I look forward to doing something challenging and new.

These days I feel like I am in a dream-like version of my own life, as the fun and love I am surrounded with just keeps coming. Between jobs, we went to Kaua’i for a week, and had a remarkable week of fun and laughter and excitement (some of it scary, some of it really cool). Between the hiking on the edge of a 2000′ drop, seeing a White Tip Shark while snorkeling, and sitting in our hot tub on the deck sipping wine while the wind blew through the trees and the crash of waves sounded in the distance, it really could not have been a more wonderful week.

In the midst of so much sadness and loss and worry happening in the world, I almost feel guilty for being so happy, but have decided to revel in these good times. I could not have gotten through the last year without the support of friends, and I hope all of those experiencing hard times right now have even half as many wonderful people around them as I do.

I am just coming to the realization that this post sounds nothing like my usual self! I am finding the transition from being the real downer at the party to a happy person a strange one, so bear with me folks!