Growing up, I always knew there were things I could not change, even as a very young child. Even so, I was so stubborn that I just would not let my disappointments go. I would fight hard to change even things I knew were not possible to change, and convince myself that if I just tried harder or did more I could make my family whole. I knew it would never happen, but I wanted the relationship with my mother more than anything when I was a young child. As an adult I finally came to terms with the missing part of my life, and moved on with my life with the bitterness behind me.
Healing is a strange thing for the human heart and human mind – though we can heal and accept, I do not think we ever completely get over old wounds. This is especially the case when the old pain returns with new vengeance and we have to face the reality yet again. This happened to me last year, as I found myself once again forced to deal with the loss and rejection and potential greater loss that I had not even considered. But the healing that had come from finding happiness and comfort and love on my own helped me to survive even the opening of old pain, and even provided me with the ability to find good in it. For in no other situation do I think there would have been the possibility that my brother and sister would reach out to me and I would once again know them.
But these days, I find myself wondering how to accept and face new challenges. You see, for the first time in 20 years, my mother has sought me out. I suppose in the end of ones life you make contact with those in your past that you loved but for whatever reason you did not find common ground with. So here I am, finding myself in the midst of current or possible transitions in every part of my life (home, lifestyle, family), and then in an echo from the past, an email. Now, several emails later…the phone number.
When I think about having a family, when I see friends with the support of their mothers and grandmothers, I know I will never have that – the knowledge and experience of the generation before to help me through if I end up with children. It is ironic that now, when I for the first time in a long time could really benefit from having a relationship with my mother, even if I do…I don’t. How does one prepare oneself for such a opening of old wounds and the inevitable creation of entirely new ones?
I know in the end I have the support of wonderful people in my husband and my friends, making this doable. But forgive my ramblings as I come to terms with the reality that life is never simple, and as I learn again as an adult that which I learned as a child: there are some things that we cannot change, no matter how we push or wish them to be different than they are. I know I will find the strength to come to terms with these realities…I just don’t think it will be today.